Resilience in a Time of Grief

By Damita JQ

     Life and death are a part of the human experience.  Experiencing the death of a loved one comes with a lot of challenges and different emotions.  Those emotions can be: grief, anger, fear, anxiety, regret, sadness, and more.  I recall going to funerals when I was a child and hearing others at there criticizing on other attendees lack of grief and tears.    
     I know all too well as a human being and as a professional that grief is personal.   Grief and a mix bag of emotions can hit prior to, during, and even a long time after the funeral of a loved one.

     My thoughts center on death because my older sister died last month.   When she was younger, she was excited about life, so I always felt she would live a long life.   As an older adult, she had been ill for a very, long time.  Due to the ravages of her disease and heart ailments, she passed away in February of 2018.  Her sudden death was a shocker and a stressful, unexpected event.  She was my third remaining sister.   My two other sisters passed away.   My parents had also left this world a long while ago.  My last sister's passing has hammered in my brain the reality that nothing is guaranteed in this world.  

     My sister lived in a different state.   I was even looking forward to the time in the Spring when I would visit with her again.  Instead, I traveled to our home state of Pennsylvania to deliver an eulogy about my truths and my love for her.  

     My sister enjoyed life and was the life of the party when she got around family and friends.  However, she lived a life unrealized and unfulfilled.  She had talked about wanting to travel more, to study other programs, and to find a life partner after a few failed relationships.  My sister was sensitive about what others thought and said about her, yet had little problem telling you what others said about you.  It was a truth that did not erase my love for the woman who helped to shelter me from the storms for a few weeks during some childhood summers.

     At her funeral service, I talked about my truths, expressing our relationship, her triumphs, and her struggles.   That was my path to coping, dealing with a stressful situation, and building resilience in the face of grief.  Talking and sharing with others about her life allowed for me to celebrate her and to let go of past pains.   I can look back on her life and feel a sense of peace. 

     Grief regarding the loss of a loved one due to an illness or traumatic event is akin to experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is an experience that can subside by talking with a caring person about the experience, by finding the good, and by realizing that death is a part of life. Years after the deaths of other family members, I will suddenly experience a rash of sad emotions and cry.  The feelings are a fleeting feeling of loss which subsides.  A little time after, I feel fine.  

     Thoughts that help me to cope with my grief are remembering that the deceased person’s contributions, gifts, struggles, and pains are theirs and not yours.   Our job as someone who is alive is to cherish the deceased, to be good to others, to show love when warranted, and to live out our lives to the best of our abilities. 

Here are two sites with some thoughts on Resilience and Grief:

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/the-secret-life-of-grief/281992/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

 

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